I’m really f’ing broken inside

Today was another combo regular auction and GSA auction combined. I knew 6 weeks ago that we were going to have a GSA auction followed by another GSA auction only two weeks later, instead of the usual month. Until today, I didn’t know when the next GSA auction would be, turns out I have three weeks this time, to get ready, instead of just two. The past two GSA auctions I’d gotten everything done in a fairly well timed manner, but the one before that was a complete cluster-fuck, and I have been fearing a repeat and trying different work management strategies. Apparently, that worked out fairly well.

I’m attracted to the majority of my coworkers. Sometimes this is inspirational, and other times it’s distracting, but it’s been pretty steady state for 9 years; I just try to get by and not form any lasting relationships. That’s not what I want to write there, but that’s the truth. Obviously (at least to me) I’m more attracted to some than others, and there are a few in particular I’d like to get to know better, if I knew how.

One of our temp workers said hello to me, by name, today, and I was totally blown away. I wouldn’t have guessed she knew my name; I don’t know her’s. She’s really hot, but she’s not even on my radar like regular coworkers are. The idea that I could be attractive to other people, especially women, is mostly alien to me. All my life I’ve been waiting for a strong woman to sweep me off my feet, but that expectation seems increasingly absurd as I age.

Guys are horny, all the time. Being attracted to every gender poses some challenges for me. It’d be great if I was good at reading everyone, but instead I fail to read anyone. I know, beyond any doubt, there are a tons of guys waiting and wanting to do nasty things with me. Finding out a guy finds you attractive is like finding a rock in your shoe or sand in your sandwich. So I think about the women I find attractive, and how I’m just a rock in their shoes; coupled with my insecurities, I don’t feel like I have any prospects.

Listening to a house mix while I write this, and a cover of U2’s “With or Without You” comes on. fml.

I had a project, just for kicks, to try and grow some cannabis mother plants; identify the strain, maybe produce some clones. Things didn’t go as well as I’d hoped. I did manage to get some plants grown from seed, correctly identify and eliminate the males, and produce mother plants for cloning. All the clones I took died. The mothers grew faster than I anticipated, got top heavy with weak stems (despite constant fan), and they all fell over. Disappointed, I stopped putting as much effort into the project as when I started. Once my wages started being garnished, the project lost all interest… but I didn’t have the heart to kill the plants and put them in the dumpster, so I flowered the mothers as they were (fallen over). I had 6 mothers. Two died before flowering. Another died right after flowering started, and had lots of premature buds. Three plants have some buds that might be mature, haven’t found out yet.

The plant with the premature buds I de-stemmed, ground up the buds, made butter. Butter didn’t go as planned, was more difficult to separate the water, but I didn’t use a plastic bag (as a separatory funnel) so I used more heat cycles, including double boiling the butter in a water bath. I thought heating the butter to the boiling temperature of water would drive all the water out, but there was still some remaining. Fortunately it was a small enough quantity to completely separate out on the next cold cycle. For the uninitiated, making pot butter involves boiling butter, pot, and water together for awhile, taking out the solid plant material, and then separating the butter from the water.

I used the pot butter to make banana bread. I already had 4 small bananas that were beyond over ripe. I also put in chopped walnuts, a handful of chocolate chips, and a handful of blueberries. I used brown sugar instead of white, and I neglected to add any vanilla. Because the buds were so young, there is a faint pot taste, but no noticeable effects. Nevertheless, I’mm not going to bring it to work.

GSA auction tomorrow

I’ve been pretty stressed out for the past 3 weeks, tomorrow is a double auction, first bank cars then GSA. We’re running one of bigggest GSA sales with over 250 cars. I got everything I had done according to plan, yesterday, but some stuff that had slipped through the cracks came through today, and I’ll be busy tomorrow morning finishing up, preparing detailed quotes for faulty components found during inspection.

supposed to have another GSA sale in just two weeks instead of the usual month, but I just got the first work orders for that sale today, so we’ll see how that goes.

got into an altercation with a coworker who tried to run me over on my lunch break. He threw a tantrum and walked away, stopping work. I implemented the simple solution I suggested, for free, on my lunch break, so work could continue. This prick is Persian so I might need a new job, but there’s plenty of opportunity in Stockton.

dad, we need to talk. but don’t call, I can’t.

I think at this point I’m beyond being angry, but I’m still hurt, and there’s still a rift between us. You didn’t give me any xmas ideas, so I got you a birthday present 5 months in advance, in November. I didn’t mail it. I managed to txt you. I didn’t forget about father’s day, my anger was renewed.

I need help and advice more than ever, and I’ve always trusted you implicitly, but you’re broken that trust twice now, and I’m questioning everything.

1. The aftermath of Mom’s death

2. Missing Rug

2.1 That’s a metaphor. I moved to Stockton with the belief I’d be getting a down payment on a house in the very near future. Not an out of the blue gift, but rather one my sister received as well. Since I moved to Stockton, that rug was pulled out from under my feet. Sure, it was your money to begin with, but word is bond. When you changed your mind, maybe you discussed it with a bunch of people, but I was left out. You just sort of casually mentioned it, and when I asked for an explanation, I was brushed off. I’m your son, that’s not acceptable.

I’ve been reluctant to address this. I fear you will become irrationally angry, as is the family trait.


Time grows short. I don’t know how much time I have, let alone how much time you have. I spoke with an old friend at the beginning of June; I was looking for perspective. I got more than I bargained for. My friend had brain surgery to address a benign tumor causing bell’s palsy. The operation was successful, but they accidentally severed his aural nerve and now’s he’s permanently deaf in his right ear. He has only begun to recover. Several of my former friends are dead. At the time of our talk, another was scheduled for brain surgery to remove a mass pushing on a nerve cluster.

Help me fix this.

I have a couple posts in queue, still mentally grinding some details

in other news, I liquidated a mutual fund holding and moved the cash into a high yield savings account so I can burn it as necessary. I imagine I’ll use some for first/last/deposit on my new place this fall, plus pay credit debt and other short comings due to restricted income. There’s a lot that’s unknown, and I’m trying not to worry about it too much. Ideally I’d like to decrease my rent by $300, but it looks like the market might not bear it, unless I just rent a room. Not stoked about having roommates again, but I have seen rooms for as little as $600 ($600 decrease in rent), or even free! in exchange for ranch hand work, and yeah, live on a trailer on a ranch.

when I opened the savings account, the rate was 1.7, but I got an email today: they raised the rate to 1.8. Not too shabby. Hopefully I don’t have to burn through it all and I end up saving a little. I think, if I can reduce my rent by $300 or more I’ll be able to weather the garnishment without selling the rest of my portfolio, which is now mostly stock I’d like to keep for the long term, such as my single AMZN share.

Fuck Firefox, Fuck Mozilla, and Fuck Censoring the internet.

a few months ago, firefox updated and introduced a new feature, called the activity stream. this feature replaced the new tab window, where previously there were panes that displayed the 12 most visited sites in my history. As my browsing preferences changed, the panes updated. Extremely useful feature for me. Activity page shows 4 panes of sites firefox recommends, not based on history, can only be manually updated. Also included news headlines, and other crap I never want to see. Fortunately, I found a way to disable it and restore the new tab functionality I like.

Fast forward to this morning. Firefox updated again, and the previous work around doesn’t work any more. I was able to kill the activity stream by fiddling with the firefox registry settings, however I cannot restore the excellent functionality it had YESTERDAY. So I deleted firefox. I don’t understand why they think this is ok. It sucks to start over with a new browser, but I’ll get over it.